And so, I took the first steps...

I do confess, i started med school a bit, well a bit more actually, scared. Scared not only that it's going to be hard, harder than i could imagine for different reasons than I imagined; but scared because I wasn't quite sure if that was what I wanted to do. Yes, I did ask myself, if this is not what I want, what else do I want to do? and the answer was always "nothing else, just medicine." But sometimes i was doubting whether I was good enough or whether I was suited for this. The first year has come and gone and I have no idea when. I finished it well; it could have been a lot better though, i'm gutted. But I know what went wrong and how I can fix it. What I managed to figure out this year were my weak points. Next year will be about how I can make those stronger. I was disappointed before the start of the summer stage. I met people who shocked me. I haven't met one single doctor that would make me think: This is how I want to be. They all scared me. I met mean people, people who despite they were there to teach us, they seemed to be afraid of us. A lot of times I felt that I was stealing the information, not being offered. I met people who seemed to have forgotten, that they once too were 1st year students who had no clue about a lot of stuff not even about how the building they enter for the first time in their lives looks like on the inside. There were two or three examples of good doctors too. But they were missing something too. (yes, I do seek for perfection - but don't get me wrong, a perfect man doesn't mean a man without flaws. It's that someone who knows and accepts his flaws and acts accordingly.)
I started my summer stage. The always negative side of me was waiting for boring useless days with no one willing to help. I still hate it that I thought like that. Yes, doctors in the hospitals are busy, yes they don't always have the time to show us stuff and go through every little detail with us. And I would be an idiot not to understand that. But I was delighted and extremely happy to see that if you show the slightest interest they are willing to teach you and guide you every time they are able to do it.
I learned a lot during the year, and I learned a lot during the first week of the summer stage. I was terrified that I had 3 weeks ahead of me, and now I'm already halfway there.
I want to keep this in my head; I'm afraid I will forget, though I know I won't. The most amazing doctors I have met this week. I know how I want to be. I know what I want to be. We all need role-models, don't we? At least I always needed, though I've only come to realize it now. All the things I achieved were because I had something/someone to look up to and say I want to get THERE! and from "THERE" the road lead only upwards. And in the past week i found at least 3 persons that I thought only existed in the Hollywood movies. People who have everything it takes: skills, knowledge, attitude, passion, compassion, ability to interact, you name it!
So, thank you! Now I know (how) I can be good enough for this and I am (can be) suited for this. It was all a matter of perspective.
Oh and did I mention that my self respect has increased A LOT in the past week just because nobody yelled at me and everyone helped me do good things, and most importantly appreciated what I did.


random notes from the stage (to be updated)
I like it (and it secretly puts a huge smile on my face) to hear the kids talking to me with: "Miss Doctor!"

I was at my happiest on my first week when the mother of a little kid said "Thank you" and shook my hand and winked. She knew I was a student and seemed to appreciate the little bits that I did. (mostly talking to the little boy and trying to keep him from crying)

Surgery is (as I was expecting) no longer on the last place on my list. It went up a few good spots.

I got a pretty drawing from a little 8 years old boy. Far better than any drawing I have ever made. The little kid has no fingers. (will post it soon)